CONFLICTS

The GOOD, the BAD, the UGLY

The Good:
My house did not just burn down like a family in Mooresville on July 3rd.
I don't have a 10year old daughter who is dying, like Chris Stinnet's.
My Husband has a job.
I have a job.
I have healthy kids.
We have a home.
We have a fabulous Church support system.
We have wonderful friends/family.
I can keep a sense of humor.
Tonight, I was a good Mom.

The Bad:
Sometimes my neighbors hurt me.
Sometimes my computer hurts me!
I can't always control my temper.
I am not always that good Mom.
The house isn't perfectly clean.
I can't seem to loose weight.
Life is stressful.
It's hard to pay all the bills.
Rick accepted a job that would require travel, LOTS of it.


The Ugly:
I resent single parenting.
I resent the stress of working it alone, and the extra pounds it brings about.
It's so lonely with no adults to talk too face to face in your home regularly.
I want to just run away.
I would like to cuss out people who hurt me.
I NEED more hours in a day.
I NEED to waste less hours in a day.
There is constant worrying going on in my mind.
Torment over decisions that should be made.
Unhappiness with little to look forward too.

The conflicts:

Computer/Pictures

Seriously, I don't get the picture thing. Everything else on my computer seems to be A okay! Most photo's from Sept 2008 are gone, and lots of folders are messed up, missing pictures from them...I use Picasa 3 and have NEVER had trouble with it. Is it operator error? I'd love to know because I don't want this to EVER happen again!

My external hard drive did exactly what I told it to do...operator error...had I not had it scheduled to back up every night at 10, it wouldn't have backed up the day my pictures went missing. Instead I should just download a picture file to the computer, then send it to the eternal hard drive manually. Lesson learned the hard way! And I am told to download all pictures to more than one computer in the house. We only have 1, so that is difficult, but FYI just in case.

Finances

We have 4 kids, they are all at home. At this point in time, I can't leave them home unattended. Depending on the day, I am now forced to mix and match the best possible kid combo's to leave the house. Or, I have to take some with me while on errands...a task I dread, given the incessant talking driving me batty!

Since they need supervision still, even though they are 14, 13, 7 and almost 6...I the Mom feel like I have to be here.
However...our ends aren't meeting.
So I struggle.
I toy with the idea of a full time job, I do the math in my head to figure out how much extra money would be coming in, trying to out weight being at home and working.
Now that Rick is traveling, it places an even bigger problem into the equation, no other parental help.
And, his profession lends itself to instability, insecurity. No sponsor, no job!
How do I be out of the home M-F 8-6 while he is out of the home Wednesday until Sunday?
I get the logistics of it, it doesn't look good.
But neither does not paying the bills.

I want to help my family both ways, by being here and by making more money.


My plan, the only one I know to do:
Start searching for a job, part or full, applying for jobs...taking care of my family better, serving them with more unconditional love. Then at the end of the day, say this prayer:

The Lord's Will

Father, I want to help my family in my home and financially. The only way I know how to help my family financially is by getting a full time job. In so doing our family will sacrifice in other ways that worry me. I will look for a job, I am willing to work for our family, if it be thy will, provide the perfect solution. Please do not allow me to step into something that will hurt my family more than it will help. If I am to remain at home, working part time, then provide that perfect solution, then help me to accept thy will.

Education

Recently, I have had the opportunity to "counsel" people, if you will. I was able to help people recognize emotional and mental abuse, I was able to suggest ways to rise above it and not be victim to it. I have been able to offer sound advice that has been beneficial to people. It was just such a weekend, that I was needed, over and over again. Hours spent talking with different people about ways to have help. I'm really good at it, I really enjoy it, I want to help people. I want families to get along, and not to abuse one another...in order to do this professionally I have to continue my education, I thoroughly enjoyed classes last winter. I want to work with kids with ODD, OCD, Bipolar, I want to become a LC SW, for like 20years now. If I work full time, I can't do both...how long do I put that off?


I am worn down from battling myself...there is no way to meet every need that we have and yet I must try.


I am tired from not knowing what is it that I can do that will best serve my family.

I need that giant plaza screen to come out of the sky with an outline of all that I am to do, when I am to do it, how should I accomplish it...or at the very least,

I need an ANGEL!

Post Post:

See what happens when your husband is out of town and you can't talk to him about regular everyday things? The blog becomes your dumping ground.

Truth is, I really AM conflicted, worried, concerned for my family.

Truth is I feel this need to help financially. Not so I can have perfectly manicured nails, the latest hair cut, another thing to put on the wall...I am just not that way. I am frugal, practical, a bare necessities type. I am not a big fan of "Stuff". I am a big fan of family, house plants, pictures of family, shelter, food, utilities!

Don't get me wrong, I love manicured nails, the latest hair cut, many home decorations in your house...go on, keep up the good work, I enjoy it immensely. What I want and need is a stable, safe, secure family and I know that's not always within my reach or control, but that is what I am striving for each day!